Ahoy, ye blue-and-yellow-bellied scallywags! Argh Argh Argh week is upon us! Lest ye wish to walk the plank, celebrate by belting out these festive shanties …
Friend With Car Probably Has Other Traits
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although Cal junior Dave Mills is best known for his 2011 Honda Fit (sport model), his friends report that he may have …
Best of Berkeley 2022
Although it’s only May, we feel it is the appropriate time to give recommendations for the best Berkeley sites of 2022. We are incredibly privileged …
How to Block Out the Sound of Your Stepdad Railing Your Mom
Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …
I Gave DuoMobile All My Cookies to Sign In and Now I Don’t Have Any Left for My Mouse
If you need to verify your identity, you will need to sign in with DuoMobile. When you open DuoMobile, it says you will have to …
Fraternity Kappa Alpha Order Hosts Diversity Training in Robert E. Lee Conference Room
Content Warning: This article contains content discussing Confederate Army generals, slavery, the Klu Klux Klan, and more generally, white men being racist pieces of shit. …
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely
EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …
Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …