BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …
Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …
Disappointing Dick Pic Made Palatable by Beautiful Cherry Blossoms in Background
BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of …
Is He Hot or Does He Just Own a Printer?
We’ve all been there. You went to his apartment for the first time and just had to keep coming back. Yet one question lingers in …
Overworked Daily Cal Writer Didn’t Want to Be Saved
Let me paint you a picture. Every single week, you have to write a 500-plus word article (with verified sources!) that maybe four people other …
Freshman Found Adhered to Floor of Frat House Just Wants to Go Home
BERKELEY, Calif. – Late Sunday afternoon campus officials responded to reports that freshman Cindy Falseton had been inadvertently stuck to the basement floor of the …
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Self-Proclaimed Meninist Believes It’s Short for Marxist-Leninist
BERKELEY, Calif. — Bewilderment permeated the students of UC Berkeley as the latest flyer shoved into their hands by Speak Out Socialists boldly stated “MENINISTS …
Fowl Play? Grinnell’s “Accidental Death” Linked to the Clintons
BERKELEY, Calif.— “I have information that will lead to the arrest of William J. Clinton.” These are the last known words of Grinnell, the beloved …
OPINION: Don’t Use Piazza Unless You Studied in Rome
I get it. You want to learn, so you ask questions. Here’s the thing, buddy: the only thing you need to learn is how to …