MADRID — “Please, please, God no!” Spanish border officials proclaimed Thursday after being forced to process repeated threats via Instagram story emerging from various Cal …
Tragic: Hometown Tinder
SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
New Year’s Resolutions For Each Major
As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), …
COVID Super Spreader Infects Every Child On The Planet In One Night
YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …
Student Cums While Writing a Negative Course Evaluation
BERKELEY, Calif. — First-year Cal student Tanya Pierre recently exerted her revenge on her calculus professor of four months. “Professor Face makes students feel dumb …
Supreme Court Possibly Rules Pro-Anti-Abortion, or Something Like That
WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the …
Dog on Glade Unaware He’s Only Source of Meaning in My Life
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students. “I hate my major, …
I Lived It: I Got Lost Exiting Main Stacks and Somehow Surfaced at Shen Yun 2018
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had done a couple of hours’ worth of work in Main Stacks (like a champ) and was …
Waldo, of “Where’s” Fame, Not Found Anywhere, Presumed Dead
BERKELEY, Calif. – A fourteen-year-long search for the missing Where’s Waldo? star ended Friday morning when investigators declared Waldo ‘dead in absentia.’ “It is with …