1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.
8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For
OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying
Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …
In Right-Wing Tirade, Oski Defends Right to Bear Arms
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Turning Point USA-sponsored rant on Sproul Plaza, Berkeley mascot Oski condemned the left’s disdain for the second amendment, citing his …
OPINION: Despite My Grandma Saying I Am “A Very Handsome Boy,” I Am Currently Single
War. Wealth Inequality. Broken McDonalds ice cream machines. These issues pale in comparison to the true tragedy of the 21st century, the fact that I …
Man With Imposter Syndrome Wonders if He Truly Belongs in Ukraine
MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission …
Student Who Drinks Whole Milk Needs to Lower His Tone
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal sophomore Sigmund Lloyd was a bit too vocal in his PoliSci discussion this week, spouting dubious economic values while seemingly forgetting …
Campus Disavows Violence, Except for 1945 in Japan, 2001-Present in Guantanamo, 1966 in Indonesia, at Career Fairs, and in Memorial Stadium When It’s Profitable
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California, Berkeley officially denounced all violence, save for several cherry-picked exceptions, in a recent public statement. “The University of …
Supply Chain in Crisis After My Friend’s Fake Got Folded
BERKELEY, Calif.–In an unprecedented shock to the undergrad economy, the goody-two-shoes bouncer at Cornerstone folded my friend’s fake. “The ramifications for the free trade of …
Hypocrite Complaining About Air Quality Continues to Breathe
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a flagrant act of self-contradiction, local hypocrite Cassandra Liu continued to inhale oxygen through her nose while making a complaint about …
Study Finds Saying “Road Work Ahead? I Sure Hope It Does!” Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Violent Death
BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I …