BERKELEY, Calif. — Upon collecting data from multiple Strada Baristas, scientist Riya Chatterjee has confirmed that the Caffe Strada Baristas hate you specifically. “No, the …
“You Come Here Often ;)?” Asks Project Partner on Shared Google Doc
THE INTERNET — UC Berkeley sophomore Kevin Nguyen mistook his lab group’s shared need to pass ME 108 for something more this week. “Haha hey, …
Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo
Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …
BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)
BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
Stanford Version of CALPIRG Raises $10K to “Kill All Them Turtles”
STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all …
8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For
1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.
OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying
Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …
In Right-Wing Tirade, Oski Defends Right to Bear Arms
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Turning Point USA-sponsored rant on Sproul Plaza, Berkeley mascot Oski condemned the left’s disdain for the second amendment, citing his …
OPINION: Despite My Grandma Saying I Am “A Very Handsome Boy,” I Am Currently Single
War. Wealth Inequality. Broken McDonalds ice cream machines. These issues pale in comparison to the true tragedy of the 21st century, the fact that I …
Man With Imposter Syndrome Wonders if He Truly Belongs in Ukraine
MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission …