BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Biden Infrastructure Bill Enables Berkeley to Finally Build a Second Two-Way Street
BERKELEY, Calif. — Anticipating infrastructure improvements from President Biden’s Build Back Better Act, Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguín has promised to use the new funding to …
Expanded RSF Now Offers Over 25 Different Kinds Of Waits
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an effort to expand the range of available workout options, the Recreational Sports Facility announced Monday that it will now offer …
Frat Bro’s Wrist Sore After Thunderous Slap From Campus Administration
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Alpha Epsilon recruiter Trey Treyson reported a sore wrist after a slightly-harder-than-usual slap from university administration Friday morning. “Bruh! This is …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
European Country “Not Ready” For These Three Kappa Sisters
MADRID — “Please, please, God no!” Spanish border officials proclaimed Thursday after being forced to process repeated threats via Instagram story emerging from various Cal …
Tragic: Hometown Tinder
SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
New Year’s Resolutions For Each Major
As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), …
COVID Super Spreader Infects Every Child On The Planet In One Night
YOUR CITY, Your State – According to reports from minors across the globe, holiday cheer wasn’t the only thing being spread this Christmas Eve. Sources …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …