The only explanation for how this man can be so stupid to double park on a one-way street is that all the blood that’s supposed to go to his brain is instead going to his third leg. Durant is full of drunk idiots and cops, yet this man doesn’t expect to get a ticket; this man doesn’t even expect to have his rearview mirrors obliterated! The aura of confidence from his horse cock is so Earth-shattering it enables him to strut into Sweetheart leaving his car’s hazard lights on in the middle of the street.
Campus: “Now People Can Live in People’s Park!”
“Many have asked: who will benefit? Wouldn’t it make more sense and save more money just to reduce enrollment to prior numbers? Well, this isn’t about the money. The New People’s Park will not contain people; the New People’s Park will not contain park. The New People’s Park will contain that most oppressed class in society: buildings! Glorious, glorious buildings! And maybe, someday, we’ll all be able to look at People’s Park and say ‘Hey, people live here.’”
Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter
BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
Heartbreaking: That YoPo Flavor Is Sugar-Free
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free. “This happens basically …
Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist
If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.
Rejoice! College of Engineering to Give Out Deodorant Instead of T-Shirts Next Fall
We tried interviewing an engineering student about this topic, but unfortunately our reporter collapsed from the smell after approaching one. Fortunately, after regaining consciousness, they were able to interview an EECS student over zoom.
OPINION: I’m Not Better Than You, I’m Just Running on Campus
Listen: I know we’ve had bad blood in the past, but we can move beyond that! After all, even though your blood is bad, mine is chock-full of oxygen. (That’s just one of the perks of being a golden, glowing Adonis like myself.)
‘Kanye West is the Greatest Rapper of All Time’ Says Man Who Has Clearly Never Heard of Macklemore
“Remember ‘Same Love?’ I doubt gay marriage would still be legal if that wasn’t released. And let’s not forget his profound societal commentary found in ‘White Privilege II.’ Like, as a white man, he gets that people are racist. The Grammy Voting Committee clearly agrees!”
Cough Held Throughout 2½ Hour Lecture Now Just Mildly-Irritating Heart Palpitation
“I used to cough whenever I needed to, but I felt the white-hot wrath of hundreds around me,” Alison reported via Zoom, since no reporter wanted to get within a 500 foot radius of her. “I get a COVID test regularly. I can’t say for sure that I haven’t been exposed since testing negative yesterday though… Well, I know I don’t have it. I don’t, right? I— I just needed to cough super badly and I was able to suppress it for two and a half hours, so that means I can’t have it! I don’t! I just needed to cough, and now I have a serious heart issue. People should be happy that I saved them from possibly being exposed to whatever I have, though I know it’s not COVID.”