After a litany of complaints about the quality of such services (both in-person and online), Tang has made a bold, yet strangely fitting decision: in lieu of the three-time free thirty minute sessions offered to students, Tang has attached a link to a twenty-two minute America’s Funniest Home Videos Compilation.
How to Outdoor-Cafe-Eye-Fuck Your Way Through a Pandemic, You Horny, Deprived Motherfucker
Since the start of this pandemic (or should I say, pandemi–cock-block), our collective capacity for lusting, thrusting, and jammin’ the clam has… well, plummeted. We pitiful, possibly fertile sex-machines are horny as fuck. But rest assured.
This Year’s Big Give Apparently Includes My Ex Giving My Best Friend Chlamydia
BERKELEY, Calif — Berkeley’s annual Big Give fundraiser, it seems, has extended its generosity to include donation of STIs to everybody in my friend group …
Campanile Bells Replaced By Southside Garbage Trucks Because They are Louder and Also Make Noise Every Day
“After realizing that the Southside garbage trucks come seven days a week, and are far louder and more disruptive than the Campanile’s bells, we have decided to use them instead from now on.”
In Recognition of Midterm Season, Accommodating Professor Eliminates Recorded Song/Dance Component Of Mandatory Four Thousand Word Discussion Post
“Any other questions can be answered in my syllabus on my wife’s cousin’s website, in the ‘Extra Supplemental Materials’ folder on bCourses, or in a little treasure box buried in my backyard if you fuckers can find it.”
Vegan Co-Op Enjoys Delicious Meal of Quinoa, Beans, Quinoa, and Also Whip-Its
BERKELEY, Calif. – The vegan student cooperative house prepared an excellent meal the other night consisting of a quinoa salad appetizer and a quinoa bean …
Cthulu Sits On Campanile, Likes It
As he flailed he braced for pain, but was pleasantly surprised that the feeling of the Campanile in his rectum incredibly good.
True Crime: I Put a Very Silly Hat on Top of Every Campus Building
I chase their dreams like a dog chasing cars. I put hats on top of each one. Silly hats. Absurd hats. Hell, I bet the Joker would call these “Normal Hats.” These are the buildings. Their hats are their stories.
Heartbreaking! Sophomore’s LinkedIn Profile Edited From “Business Administration” to “Econ”
BERKELEY, Calif. – Two weeks ago, admissions decisions from Berkeley’s Haas School of Business were released, consequently prompting a flurry of LinkedIn activity. “Econ is …
The Free Peach Applicant FAQs
The Free Peach is a student-run news satire publication. We were founded in early 2019 by a group of disgruntled Black Sheep writers who wanted revenge. We’ve been losing popularity ever since!