fter plans for an in-person Fall 2021 semester were announced, acapella groups across UC Berkeley rejoiced at the prospect of once again being able to perform for, and be overlooked by, the masses on Sproul Plaza.
Successful First Day of Class! Wealth & Poverty Student Takes Perfect Picture of Professor Reich for Instagram Story
While the Instagram story post was ultimately a success, Ryan explains that the journey to that perfection was a bumpy road. Although the image of Reich could be clearly seen, the bottom text displaying his name was blurry, as his iPhone camera failed to focus property.
Liberal Arts Graduate, Of Sound Mind and Body, Drinks a Glass of Dairy Milk (More to Follow)
“Adam, my sweet baby called, and… and… he said that he was drinking a glass of cow’s milk. At first I couldn’t believe it. I made him repeat it again. ‘COWS milk, you say?’ I whispered. ‘A whole glass?’ How could one be so cavalier about discussing their deplorable vices? While talking to their own MOTHER?”
UC President Michael Drake Intends for Fully In-Person Kicking Your Ass
“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …
Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52
“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Aspiring English Student Disappointed to Return Home to Loving, Supportive Family
SILVER LAKE, Calif. – Senior English major Jennifer Brooks experienced ennui due to a sudden lack of ennui upon returning to her ancestral home for …
SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure
BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …