Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …
New Lay’s CRISPR Chips Surprisingly Good
BERKELEY, Calif. — Lay’s newest flavor, CRISPR chips, are spreading across the nation and quickly becoming America’s favorite potato chip. “You know when you’re drinking …
Maybe We Should Actually Not Call It Dead Week This Year
While the Berkeley administration has been trying for years to change the name of Dead Week, they have never been successful in their pursuit. Reading, …
We Sat Down with Judith Butler and Didn’t Understand a Goddamn Word They Said
The Free Peach: Thank you so much for talking with us. Judith Butler: Of course, the speaking of which we speak is the fundamental speaking …
Gobble, Gobble: 3 Ways to Make it Clear That You Eat Ass at Your Thanksgiving Family Dinner Table
Buckle up, Thanksgiving season is here, which means it’s that time of the year where you get to sit down and get down and dirty …
Opinion: Berkeley High Must Return To In-Person Instruction Because the Cool 10th Graders Hanging On Telegraph Are Making Me Insecure
As I’m sure many are aware, the number of coronavirus cases in California has reached an unprecedented level of severity, warranting a government-mandated curfew and …
Study Finds Oski Just Guy in Suit
BERKELEY, Calif. – Researchers at the University of California were shocked to find the dark truth about their beloved mascot. “We had always assumed Oski …
Tell Us Your Professor’s Zoom Background and We’ll Tell You What Dry Grocery Makes Them Cry For Their Youth
On Zoom, some professors sport a blazer and some appear each morning as though they just shoved their head into a blender and awoke from …
Risky! Frat Bro Decides to Invest in Pfizer Despite Warnings From His Right-Wing Facebook Group
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …
Local Man Changes Room’s LED Light Strip From Purple to Red, Still Gets No Pussy
BERKELEY, Calif. – This Saturday, Berkeley resident and T*ry L*nez advocate Ethan Stites made a decision worth celebrating. In a groundbreaking move deemed worthy of …