LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The novel coronavirus has presented innumerable uncertainties to the global population, with scientists and doctors worldwide scrambling to create a vaccine …
Zeus to Punish Greek Life for Hubris
BERKELEY, Calif. — Havoc broke out Saturday as a KA brother unleashed unknowable power upon his peers. “Who hath dared to party-foul Zeus, Ruler of …
OPINION: I Spray-Painted Cop Cars for Black Lives Matter. NOW Will You Fuck Me on my Top Bunk in DKE?
As I researched to educate myself on systemic racism and oppression, I had a revelation: I have been the subject of discrimination by my female …
President Trump Endorses Eighth Grader’s COVID-19 Fart Test
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to White House Chief Fart Correspondent William Barr, President Trump has officially come out in support of the COVID-19 Fart Test …
UC Berkeley Announces Add/Drop Deadline Revenue Will Fund Zipline Down Bancroft
BERKELEY, Calif. — Confirming everybody’s long-held assumptions that most extraneous university fees are driven by greed, UC Berkeley announced this morning that the thousands of …
Campus Cuties! Kiwibot Replaces Adorable Robot Labor With Adorable Child Labor
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following Labor Day, Kiwibot once again finds themselves embroiled in workers’ rights controversies. “The time has come, comrades!” wrote Unit 47, leader …
Cal Fraternities to Reevaluate Bid System After COVID-19 Enters Uninvited
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley Fraternity TKE held an emergency meeting to reevaluate the bid system following reports that COVID-19 entered 100 percent of their parties uninvited, …
Pathetic! Self-Proclaimed Funny Cal Student Doesn’t Even Write For The Free Peach
Dear Reader, Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, …
Out of State Sorority Girl Frustrated She Has to Pay Full Dues for Virtual Friends
BERKELEY, Calif. – As rush drew to a close, dissatisfaction emerged from UC Berkeley’s Greek community as out-of-state sorority sisters both new and old increasingly …
Cal Dining to Source All Meat from Irish Babies
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid concerns of animal cruelty in Cal Dining’s source of pork, the organization has vowed to reinvest in more ethical food systems. …