BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s …
Amid Shortages, Kink Club Switches from Latex Gloves to Leather
BERKELEY, Calif. – Kink Club President Philip Cox laid out sweeping changes for members of Berkeley’s sauciest social club at their latest meeting. “The COVID …
How to Survive Quarantine From Your 4-Story-6-Bedroom Manhattan Beach Mansion
Listen, we know it’s been hard. Quarantine is rough, especially when you’re sitting on a 5-acre lot in Manhattan Beach or Palos Verdes or wherever …
Mask Wearing Beta Male Grateful He No Longer Has to Pencil In Beard
Ross Kelley is grateful he no longer has to pencil in his beard every morning. Why? Thanks to COVID-19, he now wears a mask when …
CDC Recommends Pitbull Cease Worldwide Behavior to Curb Spread of Fresh Miami Sound
MIAMI, Fla. – Clean water ambassador and rapper Armando C. Pérez, better known as Pitbull, is at the center of a public health crisis. “A …
Berkeley PD Cybercrimes Division Tracks Zoombomber IP Address to Washington Elementary
When administrators decided to move the UC Berkeley faculty and student body towards “remote learning” in this last month, many obstacles were expected. While …
Nation’s Leaders Model Good Shelter-in-Place Behavior by Only Engaging in Insider Trading During a Pandemic
Washington, D.C. — Legislators demonstrated unprecedented leadership earlier this year by engaging in insider stock trading upon being briefed about COVID-19, showing the American people …
Quarantined with 1D?!
I wake up to my parents standing above me. I blink a few times, rubbing my light blue orbs to get rid of my sleepiness. …
Carol Christ Consults Ouija Board to Make Decision About Graduation
BERKELEY, Calif.— Chancellor Carol Christ of the University of California, Berkeley, recently consulted a ouija board to make a decision about the institution’s upcoming graduation …
Cal Zero Waste 2020 Finally Succeeds After Students Abandon Campus Amidst COVID-19
BERKELEY, Calif.— “We finally did it!” The heads of Cal Zero Waste 2020 have declared victory. Zero waste has finally been achieved. I recently had …