Stampede of Berkeley Bisexuals Coming for Your Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream
Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting …
LinkedIn Networking Event Ends in Tragedy
According to multiple, visibly shaken sources, a virtual LinkedIn networking event held on Saturday night by Berkeley Haas Students in Haas ended in shambles when …
L&S Alpaca Doubles Grad School Matriculation Rate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In recent years, the College of Letters & Sciences has ramped up its advising capabilities by holding events where students can connect …
Tiffany Trump Comes Out as 50 Year Old ‘Cool Aunt’ on Booze Cruise Following Pride Gig
Following her appearance at a Pride event for her father, Tiffany Trump came under fire for her general asshattery and lack of knowledge about the …
Top 10 Spots for Socially-Distant Dates on Campus
2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …
Clark Kerr Freshman Reports Understanding Poverty for First Time After Running Out of Flex Dollars Mid-Semester
BERKELEY, Calif. — Julia White, a freshman living at Clark Kerr who recently ran out of flex dollars, reported that, for the first time in …
Jennifer Doudna Claims Nobel Parking Spot in the Middle of Bancroft
BERKELEY, Calif. – Southside traffic reached a record high this week as Professor Jennifer Doudna parked her car across every lane of Bancroft Way. “Try …
DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team
CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …
Man Decides This the Year to Be Politically Active in Wake of Favorite Strip Club Closing Down
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local first-time-voter Gerald Thompson decided to participate in November’s election out of ‘absolute necessity,’ after local establishment WunderLust Gentleman’s Club closed last …