UC Berkeley Police Department Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …
If I Violently Jostle My Protein Shake And No One’s Around To Hear It, Did I Even Work Out?
For centuries, philosophers have been embroiled in a vigorous debate that strikes at the very heart of gym bro culture. It’s a question that precedes …
Chris Cuomo edges America for Four Days, Teasing Messy, Explosive Finish
New York, NY – This past weekend, millions of Americans tuned in to CNN to watch Chris Cuomo’s live cam show on the brutal fucking …
L&S CS to Vet P/NP Students by Cage Fights
BERKELEY, Calif. – Having relaxed P/NP restrictions for major-requirements, the Computer Science Department has gotten creative with its new student screening methodology. “Hold onto your …
OPINION: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
Texas GOP Models Voter Registration Website Off Berkeley Academic Guide to Suppress Votes
AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off …
Alcohol Not Cutting It? 7 Excellent Glues To Huff Tonight, or Really Any Night Following
Rubber Cement: Remember how your second grade teacher kept this one on the top shelf? One whiff of this baby and you’ll understand why Ms. …
Frat Brother Wants to Show You Flask of Amontillado
BERKELEY, Calif. – Junior Brock Tresor had borne the thousand injuries of the Sigma Chi dating scene as best he could, but when it at …
Stampede of Berkeley Bisexuals Coming for Your Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream
Berkeley, CALIF. — Repeatedly in the past week, Berkeley residents reported seeing a frenzied yet emotionally-calming flock of approximately 200 students–all wearing turtlenecks and toting …