Look, I know what you’re gonna say, Amanda. I know you’ll say “Maeve you can take the week off” or “Don’t worry about it! I’d rather you feel better” or even, “Please Maeve, please stop texting me your fever-induced ideas for articles.”
We’re Pretty Sure the Football Team Is Doing Well, but None of Our Writers Are Qualified to Write About It
I know that UC Berkeley has done poorly in football in the past, so this new trend of “winning” is confusing new territory for everybody on staff.
Forest Witch Getting Into Meal Prep Thinks She’ll Save Gretel For Dinner Friday
“I couldn’t keep myself from fattening, roasting, and devouring every single child that happened upon my gingerbread house as soon as they fell for my trap. I had terrible impulse control, and it was starting to affect my cholesterol.”
I’m Not Like Other Girls— I Have Ringworm
I don’t have sex with strangers or “smoke weed,” okay? I don’t need to. I have ringworm.
Berkeley’s Five Most Eligible Bachelors
With cuffing season swiftly approaching, it’s time to get serious about finding love. Luckily for you lonely freaks, we at The Free Peach have compiled a comprehensive list of Berkeley’s most eligible bachelors! Stop wasting your time on Tinder and meet some real men in your own neighborhood!
First Straws, Now Juuls – What’s Left to Suck On?
Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can.
ASUC Senator Milton Zerman Insists on ID Scanners at MLK to Keep Out Caterpillars
In the midst of a recent outbreak of California oak moth caterpillars on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, ASUC Senator Milton Zerman has proposed action to keep the caterpillars separated from the student body.
UC Berkeley Acquires Alta Bates as New Freshmen Dorm for Housing Alcohol Poisoned Teens
In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens.
Pathetic! Self-proclaimed funny Cal Student doesn’t even write for The Free Peach
Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, chances are you have.
Congrats on Getting into Cal! Can You Make it Through Your Freshman Year Without Getting Gout?
Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to UC Berkeley, the #1 public university in the world! Get ready for a year of learning, growth, and lifelong memories. But be careful, you wouldn’t want to sully your first year of college with a common form of inflammatory arthritis that causes severe pain, redness, and tenderness in your joints. So let’s see- can you make it through your freshman year without getting gout?