BERKELEY, Calif. – For students growing weary of Cal’s recent construction bonanza, administrators have finally promised an end in sight. Unfortunately, that date is, miraculously, …
Bears Finally Go
BERKELEY, Calif. — “Go, Bears!” hecklers finally got their wish this Saturday when the Bears of the Class of 2023 officially abandoned this godforsaken shitshow we call UC Berkeley and set off for greener pastures.
“I’m so glad those miserable cunts finally got the hint and left,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in an unofficial statement to an invasive Argentine ant on his fingernail. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to tell these idiots to get the hell out of dodge—posting updates on the never-ending PG&E wildfires, providing play-by-play accounts of every COVID-19 infection detected in Berkeley’s wastewater, changing the mode of instruction every six weeks, forwarding WarnMe emails about crimes that span the entire length and breadth of Berkeley’s Municipal Code. Somehow, in spite of all of that, those chuckleheads stayed. They’re morons for sure, but there’s something about their stubbornness that I can’t help but admire. I think I might almost feel a little sad to see them go.” At this point, Fisher emitted a bizarre, slurpy-sniffling noise. “I’m not crying; you’re crying!” Observers were unable to confirm whether or not the Argentine ant on Fisher’s fingernail was, in fact, crying.
QUIZ: Tell Us How Much You Love Your Family and We’ll Tell You Whether to Get Them $10, $15, $60, or No Graduation Tickets
To celebrate the culmination of your four years of college, the university has decided to follow in the footsteps of Ticketmaster by price gouging its graduation tickets. But how can you determine if you should get $10, $15, $60, or no tickets for your family? Don’t worry, here’s a quiz to help you decide.
Delay in Response Email From Advisor Delayed Due to Delay From Having to Write Too Many Delay in Responses
At press time, Chancellor Christ explained that in order to hire more advisors she would either need to limit the funding going towards research, housing, or lower her own salary. She further explained that all of these options are unacceptable and would go against Berkeley’s values, whereas brutally fighting the system in order to get advice is very much in line with Berkeley culture.
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
5 Things Scarier Than Seeing ‘View Graduation Checklist’ on CalCentral
Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.
CNR Student Celebrates Graduation by Bidding Final Farewell to the Environment
BERKELEY, Calif. — Conservation and Resource Studies major Clark Morrison celebrated his graduation from the Rausser College of Natural Resources on Sunday by bidding a …
Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …