BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …
Local Man Changes Room’s LED Light Strip From Purple to Red, Still Gets No Pussy
BERKELEY, Calif. – This Saturday, Berkeley resident and T*ry L*nez advocate Ethan Stites made a decision worth celebrating. In a groundbreaking move deemed worthy of …
UCSF Begins COVID Drug Trial With Those Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs in Water
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to …
Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester
UC Berkeley Police Department Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …
If I Violently Jostle My Protein Shake And No One’s Around To Hear It, Did I Even Work Out?
For centuries, philosophers have been embroiled in a vigorous debate that strikes at the very heart of gym bro culture. It’s a question that precedes …
Chris Cuomo edges America for Four Days, Teasing Messy, Explosive Finish
New York, NY – This past weekend, millions of Americans tuned in to CNN to watch Chris Cuomo’s live cam show on the brutal fucking …
L&S CS to Vet P/NP Students by Cage Fights
BERKELEY, Calif. – Having relaxed P/NP restrictions for major-requirements, the Computer Science Department has gotten creative with its new student screening methodology. “Hold onto your …
OPINION: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
Texas GOP Models Voter Registration Website Off Berkeley Academic Guide to Suppress Votes
AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off …
Alcohol Not Cutting It? 7 Excellent Glues To Huff Tonight, or Really Any Night Following
Rubber Cement: Remember how your second grade teacher kept this one on the top shelf? One whiff of this baby and you’ll understand why Ms. …