“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …
Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52
“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Aspiring English Student Disappointed to Return Home to Loving, Supportive Family
SILVER LAKE, Calif. – Senior English major Jennifer Brooks experienced ennui due to a sudden lack of ennui upon returning to her ancestral home for …
SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure
BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …
Instead of Course Evaluations, Professors Now Reading Passive-Aggressive Posts on Overheard and Reddit For Feedback
BERKELEY, Calif. – “What kind of class assigns a massive project to be due on the same day as the midterm?” asked Reddit user u/gobears4715 …
Why I Ghosted My Therapist and Started Sexting With Oski Instead
I just… saw him one day on Sproul. What was he doing there? I don’t know. It wasn’t game day. Or Cal Day. Absent the …
Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric
Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …