Berkeley real estate empire Premium Properties recently released new guidelines for existing rental agreements, originally claiming that “due to inflation,” they would be requiring “a half of a bucket of semen in addition to rent, as a precautionary measure.”
BREAKING: New Student Admit Confesses They Love to Go Out, But Also Love a Chill Night In
“I love reading, baking, hiking, being outside, drinking water, and breathing air. And can’t forget boba!! I also lovvee The Office, so shoutout to my fellow fans with an elite sense of humor :P”
10 Things To Do Now That You’ve Completed Your Lifelong Goal of Donating to the Big Give
Congratulations! After wanting to donate to the Big Give for months — no, years — you finally did. If you feel lost and confused, don’t …
Mechanical Engineering Department Unable to 3D Print More Women Into Its Program
“The few women we do have in the department haven’t been helpful either! Every suggestion they give me is impossible to implement, since they get drowned out by me talking over them!”
Wholesome! Professor Includes Cute Dog Photo in Announcement that the Midterm Average Was a 46
“The professor displayed a serious lack of judgment and professionalism in his conduct. We are appalled that he didn’t choose a picture of a cuter breed, like a Corgi or Shiba Inu. Even a French Bulldog would’ve been better.”
Student From LA Actually Not From LA
BERKELEY, Calif. — Even though Kimberly Whittaker has told all of her friends that she is from Los Angeles, it has been reported that she …
2021 Admissions: University Admits it Doesn’t Really Like Fleetwood Mac
“With so many hopeful prospective freshmen, the admissions team wanted to get things straight early on,” Associate Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Femi Ogundele stated in a press release. “First off, you need to know that I don’t like Fleetwood Mac. It might come as a surprise, but let’s be real: most of you guys only like one of their albums anyway.”
Unvaccinated Friend Group Posts Spring Break Photo Claiming to Be Vaccinated, Spits in Waitress’ Face
“Just me and the homies Chet, Juliette, Klett, and Cishett kickin’ it in the 305!” Bennett captioned a maskless Instagram photo of a crowded beachside bar.
AFX Team Emerges from Underhill With No Knowledge of the Past Year
“We had heard accounts of Carly Rae Jepsen music traveling up from deep underground, but brushed them off as hallucinations that everybody’s subconscious experiences at one point or another.”
Guy in Philosophy Class Really Interested in the Morality of Incest For Some Reason
*Below is a retelling of a zoom recording that was sent to us through our anonymous tip line* “Hey uh… Professor? Sorry to interrupt, but …