Posted on by: anniebushh

OPINION: Holy Shit, This Guy Fucks: Professor Mentions His Kid

Ew. What? 

He’s definitely trying to humblebrag about the fact that he’s had sex before, which is super off-putting. Why else would anyone think to mention their child — a byproduct of sexual interaction —  in the middle of a sociology lecture? Who is he trying to impress? Probably not you, but there’s always a chance he has a breeding kink and is trying to gauge the fertility of the crowd. It’s not weird that you’re thinking about this, by the way. Something more inappropriate than thinking about sex during lecture is having the gall to mention a sex-adjacent topic during lecture. 

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Posted on by: Tyler Goldstein

OPINION: Guy Who Double Parked on Durant Has a Magnum Dong

The only explanation for how this man can be so stupid to double park on a one-way street is that all the blood that’s supposed to go to his brain is instead going to his third leg. Durant is full of drunk idiots and cops, yet this man doesn’t expect to get a ticket; this man doesn’t even expect to have his rearview mirrors obliterated! The aura of confidence from his horse cock is so Earth-shattering it enables him to strut into Sweetheart leaving his car’s hazard lights on in the middle of the street.

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Posted on by: Shane Pauker

Campus: “Now People Can Live in People’s Park!”

“Many have asked: who will benefit? Wouldn’t it make more sense and save more money just to reduce enrollment to prior numbers? Well, this isn’t about the money. The New People’s Park will not contain people; the New People’s Park will not contain park. The New People’s Park will contain that most oppressed class in society: buildings! Glorious, glorious buildings! And maybe, someday, we’ll all be able to look at People’s Park and say ‘Hey, people live here.’”

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Posted on by: Abby Fisher

Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter

BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.

“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”

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Posted on by: The Free Peach

Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist

If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline. 

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