“I can hear my asshole neighbor screaming ‘Thank god everyone’s asleep! I needed to nut so badly, baby.’”
Carol Christ Announces Huge New Construction Project: “It’s an Ant Farm. We’re Finally Going to Do Something With All of These Ants.”
She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”
Heartwarming: SAE Member Converts to Judaism so he can Miss Class on Rosh Hashanah
We at The Free Peach are personally looking forward to shadowing Mr. Murray, soon to be Chadberg Michaelberg Murrayberg
Pick a Date for Date Party and We’ll Tell You Which of Your Friends He’s Fucked!
Pick a Date for Date Party and We’ll Tell You Which of Your Friends He’s Fucked!
Spotify Playlist to Listen to as Your Laptop Gets Stolen
Our specially curated playlist features the exact songs you want to be listening to as you turn your attention away from your laptop and someone swipes it and drives away in a car.
New Study Finds Cigarette Smoking Linked to Wanting to Get the Fuck out of Conversation
Fortunately, with the Air Quality Index at the level it is right now in Berkeley, you no longer need to buy cigarettes- all you have to do to get that sweet, sweet buzz is stand outside for 30 seconds.
6 Ways to Incorporate an N95 Mask Into Your Halloween Costume
Use two as a bra for your sexy angel costume.
That’s hot.
Cal Fraternity Brother Unknowingly The Typhoid Mary of HPV
“If I had an STD, I would know it,” said Hawthorne. “It’s not like STDs are some invisible cancer you can accidentally give to other people.”
‘It’s So Cold In The Morning But I’m Sweating By Lunch!’ And Other Small Talk You Can Make With St. Peter At The Gates Of Heaven As He Determines Your Eternal Fate
I’m sure the weather at the Gates of Heaven is quite similar to the weather here in Berkeley, so this should be relevant to St. Peter too!
Five Sexy—and Historically Accurate!—Halloween Costumes to Impress Your Crush
Dressing up as Anne Boleyn is a great way to signal to your crush that you’re hot, you could totally secure an alliance with France, and you’re chill with the fact that they’ve already hooked up with your sister.