“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Carol Christ Restricts Commencement Availability to Her OnlyFans
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans. “UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said …
In Lieu of Tuition Relief, Carol Christ Offers Each Student an Otter Pop
BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s …
Carol Christ Announces Huge New Construction Project: “It’s an Ant Farm. We’re Finally Going to Do Something With All of These Ants.”
She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”
In Another Massive Overreaction, the ASUC Judicial Council Decides To Publicly Execute Carol Christ Over A Parking Ticket
Yet, there is already a central takeaway. Democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.
Tang Screws Up And Accidentally Switches Carol Christ’s STD Test Results With Chad’s
With a new semester comes a new Tang visits, including from our very own Carol Christ.