WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial decision that has pitted much of the environmental lobby against him, President Biden announced last Monday his approval of the Willow oil drilling project in Alaska with the brief statement, “Fuck it, we drill.”
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
False Advertising: Wurster Hall Has Disappointingly Few German Sausages
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent discovery that has shocked the campus community to their meat-stuffed innards, Wurster Hall is reported to be seriously lacking …
‘Two Inches Is Honestly a Lot, Like, Well Above Average, Actually,’ Says Weatherman
“It’s important to appreciate all precipitation, no matter how small, for its fun and unique qualities. Some rain is hard, fast, and finishes quickly, while others are slow, drawn out, and get a tad boring if they go on for a while. Sometimes rain can even slant a little, which is completely normal by the way!”
Lucky! Philosophy Major’s Oversized Turtleneck Muffles the Annoying Ass Sound of His Voice
“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
‘Hey! My Eyes Are Down Here!’ Says Short King
BERKELEY, Calif. – “Hey! My eyes are down here!” teased your mildly shorter-than-average friend, Roland Smalls, after seeing you look over his head at something …
How to Repent for All Those Construction Paper Pilgrims You Made in Elementary School
“In honor of Thanksgiving, I’m going to have you all make decorations out of construction paper that are wildly insensitive if not flagrantly racist. Luckily, you won’t realize that they are until several years from now when your educators finally stop lying to you about the atrocities of our country’s history.”
Jesus Denied Entry to Moffitt Without Student ID
“Here I am, the Savior, King of Kings, Shepherd and Bishop of Souls, Alpha and Omega, Son of God, blah, blah, blah, and they seriously won’t let me in without an ID? Whatever happened to nepotism?”
Impressive! This Rich White Guy is ‘Getting Into Cooking’
“The kitchen is my happy place,” Rickman said while stuffing half-a-grand worth of Berkeley Bowl groceries into his fridge. “There’s just something magical about the culinary arts.”