BERKELEY, Calif. — A shocking revelation struck Sproul Plaza this afternoon when certified “label-hater” Noah Stringson, attempting to reconcile with his pseudo-girlfriend, discovered that the …
Opinion: I’ll Just Agree With Anything to Get Out of This Conversation
“Yeah I hate tomatoes too. Oh, you actually said you like tomatoes? Yeah, actually tomatoes are pretty good. Honestly, it might be my favorite vegetable. …
Café 3 Now Serving
BERKELEY, Calif – In a surprising turn of events, UC Berkeley’s Cafe 3 dining hall has been slated to undergo a variety of renovations. The …
Fiona Apple and 3 Other Musicians Doctors HATE
As flu season approaches and temperatures decline, we are no longer ‘cool for the summer’ as the kids say, and become more lukewarm for the …
How to Tell Your Straight Friends That You Don’t Wanna See That Shit
I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t …
Toxic Medieval Studies Major Refuses to Let Girlfriend Wear Purple
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major …
Guy in Discussion Really Needs to Back Off and Let the Rest of Us Make Shit Up for Participation Points
We’ve all been there. No worse feeling exists than waking up on Friday afternoon, hungover, with the recollection that your participation grade is worth the …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Major Advisor Now Only Reachable Through Séance
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a spooky turn of events, Computer Science Undergraduate Advisor Gong Whitdee Ngyuen has apparently changed their meeting availability to séance-only appointments. …
Professor Offers Extra Credit to Students Who Fail Midterm in Costume
BERKELEY, Calif.– Students enrolled in ECON 100B, Cobalt and Child Labor: A Match Made in Heaven, were dismayed to learn that their midterm would be …