BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite taking the necessary precautions as advised by the Berkeley Police Department, local parent Dray Ner was mortified to find that their …
51B Scares Passengers for Halloween by Arriving On Time
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a truly terrifying turn of events earlier tonight, the 51B arrived: not two minutes early, not twenty-seven minutes late, but exactly …
Report: ‘Sexy Cat’ Neither Sexy Nor Cat
BERKELEY, Calif. — An investigative report led by renowned geneticist Professor Jennifer Doudna has revealed after rigorous research and genome sequencing that the infamous “sexy …
‘It’s Hell for You,’ Decides Jesus, After You Press ‘No Tip’ on iPad
BERKELEY, Calif. – An all-knowing being came to a conclusion this morning when you made the life-damning decision of pressing ‘No Tip’ on the iPad. …
Xfinity Releases Premium Plan Where Your Wi-Fi Actually Works
PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – Today, Xfinity outlined a new premium pricing arrangement, in which a paltry $19.99 monthly surcharge would reward users with working Wi-Fi. CEO …
Friend Keeps Saying ‘Facts’ Though I Doubt His Statement Was Peer-Reviewed
Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have …
OPINION: It’s Never Too Early to Start Rigging Your Spotify Wrapped
It’s okay that one of your Top Three artists was the Glee Cast, but nobody needs to know that – the world simply isn’t ready for you …
Opinion: Everyone Get Off Eduroam, I’m Trying to Play Clash of Clans
Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me …
National Coming Out Day: I’m a Lesbian Who Gets No Action
You might be wondering why this is late. To be honest, I’ve put this off for a long time, and was too nervous to share …