“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”
Countries Vie for the World Cup Since All the Rest Are in the Dishwasher
DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. …
UC Regents Respond to COLA Demands with Six-Pack of Pepsi
“The Chancellor kept acting like handing us a Pepsi was going to completely solve the strike. I have no idea who gave her that idea – I mean it feels like some high-power Madison-Avenue marketing bull.”
REPORT: Midnight Train Going Anywhere Headed to Millbrae/SFO
“Don’t Stop Believing,” Journey’s seminal, ‘80s anthem, has long stupefied the world of music scholarship with the cryptic midnight train going anywhere. However, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have, through a grueling investigation, determined that anywhere is actually Millbrae/SFO.
Dr. Oz Defeated by Last Minute Surge in Apples
PHILADELPHIA – As polling places shuttered Tuesday night, political analysts emerged with a consensus; “celebrity” “doctor” Mehmet Oz had been trounced in the contest for …
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
Cool Friend Reinvents Hazing
The instant I saw Ash at the party, it was incredible – what a lax guy! Immediately he gave me a PBR, and then another, and then another, and then a couple more warm ones that he pulled out of his pocket; I was 3 months sober, but he knew I just needed to crack a brew and relax!
Haunted House? Moaning Heard From Your Mom’s Room Whenever I Come Over
“Yeah kid, I don’t know what to tell you. We tried communicating with the spirit by yelling out, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ and it said, ‘I want it right there.’”
Advisor Places Hold On My Hand
BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account.
Can Anyone Remember: Did We Do Something About ‘Kony 2012’???
How come he gets to have a number with his name? Who are the 2,011 other Konys?