2020 has been hard. Pandemic is upon us, democracy is crumbling, and you haven’t gotten slammed over the handicap support bar of a Buffalo Wild …
Jennifer Doudna Claims Nobel Parking Spot in the Middle of Bancroft
BERKELEY, Calif. – Southside traffic reached a record high this week as Professor Jennifer Doudna parked her car across every lane of Bancroft Way. “Try …
LeConte Hall To Be Renamed After Exodia, the Forbidden One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following the renaming of Boalt Hall, UC Berkeley has turned its attention to other controversial buildings on campus. “LeConte Hall was originally …
Supreme Collabs With GOP On Exclusive Court Position
The GOP seems eager to finally cater to white, suburban youths everywhere.
Urgent Advisory Message: Marc Fisher’s Night Light Is Out And He Needs Somebody to Change It
BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard. “Dear faculty, …
Zeus to Punish Greek Life for Hubris
BERKELEY, Calif. — Havoc broke out Saturday as a KA brother unleashed unknowable power upon his peers. “Who hath dared to party-foul Zeus, Ruler of …
Campus Cuties! Kiwibot Replaces Adorable Robot Labor With Adorable Child Labor
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following Labor Day, Kiwibot once again finds themselves embroiled in workers’ rights controversies. “The time has come, comrades!” wrote Unit 47, leader …
Cal Dining to Source All Meat from Irish Babies
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid concerns of animal cruelty in Cal Dining’s source of pork, the organization has vowed to reinvest in more ethical food systems. …
Frats Expand Racism to Microbiological Aggressions
BERKELEY, Calif. — Theta Chi brother Cameron Awbrey recently unveiled his fraternity’s new policy for addressing the spread of COVID-19. “The tragedy of this pandemic …
Carol Christ Restricts Commencement Availability to Her OnlyFans
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans. “UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said …