UC Berkeley is a big, scary place. As the school year approaches, many incoming freshmen may be filled with anxieties. Questions like “How am I going to handle in-person classes?” “What if I don’t make friends?” “What do I do with these two gallons of vegetable oil next to my bed?” may plague our new cohorts. We’re here to help qualm those specific fears, and no others. Here are our top seven packing do’s and don’ts for incoming freshmen. Go Bears!
REPORT: Rotting, Maggot-Infested Box On Side Of Road “Definitely Worth Taking A Look At”
Stites has since stated that she doesn’t actually plan to make an effort to go back to look inside the box, citing the fact that she has “too much homework” to walk the two block length today. “Maybe I’ll look tomorrow when I go out to spend half of my weekly allowance on a Strada latte.”
Premium Properties Demands Gallon of Cum In Addition To 10k Monthly Rent
Berkeley real estate empire Premium Properties recently released new guidelines for existing rental agreements, originally claiming that “due to inflation,” they would be requiring “a half of a bucket of semen in addition to rent, as a precautionary measure.”
No Thanks! I Would Actually Prefer To Be Waterboarded: 6 Ways To Politely Decline Another Fucking Invitation To Hike The Fire Trails
We’ve all been there: A friend, or perhaps an eager Tinder match, invites you to spend time walking around the Berkeley Fire trails as if …
Tang Center Free Zoom Therapy Session Just Link To Equally Helpful Youtube Fail Compilation
After a litany of complaints about the quality of such services (both in-person and online), Tang has made a bold, yet strangely fitting decision: in lieu of the three-time free thirty minute sessions offered to students, Tang has attached a link to a twenty-two minute America’s Funniest Home Videos Compilation.
In Recognition of Midterm Season, Accommodating Professor Eliminates Recorded Song/Dance Component Of Mandatory Four Thousand Word Discussion Post
“Any other questions can be answered in my syllabus on my wife’s cousin’s website, in the ‘Extra Supplemental Materials’ folder on bCourses, or in a little treasure box buried in my backyard if you fuckers can find it.”
Horse Tranquilizer Reportedly “Only Way to Relax” After Long Week of Sitting In Bed Staring at a Screen
The Free Peach doesn’t condone drug use. Well, maybe we do, but only if you’re cool and most certainly not if you’re in Greek life.
Liberal Arts Graduate, Of Sound Mind and Body, Drinks a Glass of Dairy Milk (More to Follow)
“Adam, my sweet baby called, and… and… he said that he was drinking a glass of cow’s milk. At first I couldn’t believe it. I made him repeat it again. ‘COWS milk, you say?’ I whispered. ‘A whole glass?’ How could one be so cavalier about discussing their deplorable vices? While talking to their own MOTHER?”
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …
Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric
Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …